


Gone

by hunenka



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Episode Tag, Episode: s09e09 Holy Terror, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-04
Updated: 2013-12-04
Packaged: 2018-01-03 11:33:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1069980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hunenka/pseuds/hunenka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A <i>Holy Terror</i> coda.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gone

Dean gets up, tears still running freely down his face, and picks up Kevin’s lifeless body in his arms. It’s still warm, and so light.

He carries the body outside, laying it on the soft grass behind the bunker’s second entrance and goes back for gasoline, salt and a shovel.

He digs a deep hole, lowers Kevin’s body into it with as much gentleness and respect as possible, and does what he has to. He’s so used to the smell of burning flesh after all these years that it doesn’t even occur to him that it should be sickening.

He buries what’s left of the body afterwards, tamps the soil with his shovel, then takes the empty gasoline canister and the rest of the salt and returns back inside.

He stares at the spot on the floor where Kevin’s body lay. It’s clean, no blood, no ashes, no trace of what happened here at all. He still scrubs it with a brush, hands and knees and more tears falling onto the linoleum and mixing with the detergent.

After that, he has nothing more to do. He should start looking for Sam, of course, but he’s not strong enough for that yet.

He stays on the floor, closes his eyes and does what he does every day.

“Hey, Cas, it’s me.” It’s the first words he speaks since Kevin died and not-Ezekiel walked away in Sam’s body, and his voice is small and weak and trembling, but he goes on. “I fucked up again, really bad. And now they’re gone. Kevin’s dead and Sam…  Well, he’s gone.”

He sniffs and wipes his nose with the back of his hand. “Everybody leaves me, everybody just goes away.” He laughs; a broken, wet sound that nevertheless reverberates loudly in the silence that surrounds him. “And then there’s you. You didn’t leave, I pushed you away. I did it for Sammy, you know that, right? But now Sammy’s gone and Kevin’s gone and you’re gone and I… I miss you, man. Miss you so fucking much, need you so fucking much.”

He shakes his head and closes his eyes, trying to fight against the pain that’s eating away at him from the inside. “I never told you how much you mean to me, Cas. So I’m telling you now. I…” He nods and says it, because he’s alone and nobody’s listening and because it’s true. “I’m in love with you, Cas, probably have been for years. Not that it changes anything,” another half-sob, half-laugh escapes him. “I just wanted to say it now, ‘cause maybe I won’t get to say it again. I love you, Cas, and I’m sorry for all those times I hurt you, all those times I let you down and pushed you away. I'm so sorry.”

He doesn’t feel better now that he’s said it, if anything, he feels even worse now that he’s faced with the reality of what he lost. Or, more precisely, what he never even had.

Drained of all strength, Dean sways and then collapses, body refusing to obey the mind that has no direction. But before he actually hits the ground, his fall is stopped, cushioned by soft yet strong arms that wrap around him and pull him against a warm, solid body.

Immediately, Dean lets his eyes fall closed and rests his head against the chest behind him, leans into the light touch of slightly chapped lips against his temple. “Cas,” he whispers, and falls asleep in the safe, comforting embrace of his angel.


End file.
